ULTIMATE STEW

fuckingrecipes:

THIS IS A STEW THAT COULD MAKE CAPTAIN AMERICA SNUGGLE DOWN IN A FRUMPY SWEATER AND CUDDLE WITH YOU NEXT TO THE FIRE. 

YOU WANT SOME MAGICAL STEW? LISTEN UP, YOU GORGEOUS ASSHOLE. 

IMMA LIST OFF SOME SHIT, BECAUSE TIME IS MONEY AND MONEY LETS ME BUY THINGS LIKE AXES AND REALLY SOFT SCARVES. 

POTATOES - 3 LARGE ONES. 

WHITE ONIONS - 2 LARGE ONES, OR NUMEROUS LITTLE ONES THAT YOU THINK ABOUT ADDS UP TO 2 LARGE ONES. 

GREEN ONIONSONE BUNDLE. YOU ONLY NEED TO USE ONE FULL STALK.

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 I WISH YOU COULD JUST BUY ONE STALK, BUT GROCERY STORES ARE SILLY LIKE THAT. 

CELERY - 1 SMALLISH BUNCH OF THEM. OR A LOT. IDK. HOW MUCH DO YOU LIKE CELERY INFUSED WITH GOD-DREAMS?

SAUSAGE - 1/2 LB, OR 220 GRAMS. FOR EXTRA FLAVOR PUNCHES, YOU CAN USE ‘ITALIAN’ OR SOME OTHER ALREADY-SPICED SAUSAGE. NOT SAUSAGE LINKS, BUT LIKE, THE GROUND-BEEF LOOKING STUFF THAT IS NOT ACTUALLY COW. SOMETIMES IT COMES IN A ROLL, LIKE PILLSBURY COOKIE DOUGH. 

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THIS, EXCEPT MADE OF MEAT. GO AS CHEAP AS YOU WANT, DOESN’T MATTER. 

GREEN CABBAGE - YOU ONLY NEED A QUARTER OF ONE, BUT GETTING A WHOLE ONE ISN’T TERRIBLY EXPENSIVE. 

IF YOU BUY IN BULK - A BAG OF POTATOES/ONIONS, A HEAD OF CABBAGE, A SHIT-TON OF CELERY, YOU CAN MAKE A TON MORE, AND IT FREEZES/REFRIGERATES WELL. 

CARROTS - ONCE IT’S CHOPPED UP, YOU SHOULD HAVE AROUND 2 CUPS OF CHOPPED CARROTS. NO NEED TO BE SUPER ACCURATE. 

RICE - A CUP? I USUALLY JUST TAKE THE BAG AND DUMP A BIT IN. 

BUTTER, NUTMEG, PEPPER, GARLIC - BASIL, OREGANO AND THYME ARE OPTIONAL, BUT EXCELLENT ADDITIONS. 

FIRST, WASH AND CHOP THE POTATOES SMALLISH-LIKE.  

THROW THEM INTO A GIANT POT, WITH TWO TABLESPOONS OF BUTTER. TURN THAT SHIT UP TO MEDIUM-HIGH. 

WASH AND CHOP THE OTHER VEGETABLES. I LIKE TO PUT THE ALREADY-CHOPPED STUFF INTO A BIG-ASS BOWL. 

WHILE CHOPPING, PAUSE EVERY FEW MINUTES TO STIR AROUND THE POTATOES TO MAKE SURE NOTHING IS STICKING TO THE POT. ADD A BIT OF OIL (CANOLA/OLIVE/VEGETABLE) IF THEY KEEP STICKING. 

AFTER THE POTATOES LOOK LIKE THEY’RE STARTING TO COOK A LITTLE, SHOVE ALL THE VEGETABLES INTO THE POT! TOSS IN THE RICE AS AN AFTERHTHOUGHT.

LOOKS LIKE A PILE OF PLANT MATTER. NOT VERY IMPRESSIVE?

WAIT A GODDAMN MINUTE, BECAUSE YOU NEED TO ADD A BUNCH OF WATER - SOAK THAT SHIT UNTIL SOME OF IT CAN FLOAT. 

ONCE AGAIN, I’M NOT TERRIBLE PRECISE WITH MEASURING SPICES. 

ADD A GOOD GLOB OF MINCED GARLIC. THREE CLOVES, IF YOU’RE WORKING WITH A HEAD OF THAT ANTI-VAMPIRE STUFF. 

WITH THE PEPPER AND NUTMEG, JUST SHAKE/GRIND IT IN.

LESS THAN A TABLESPOON, OF PEPPER, AND SLIGHTLY MORE THAN A TEASPOON FOR NUTMEG. 

SAME RATIO WITH THE BASIL/THYME. 

THROW IN SOME SALT IF YOU WANT. 

WHILE THE VEGGIES ARE STILL BEING BLASTED ON ‘HIGH’, SHOVE YOUR MEAT INTO A SECOND PAN/POT. 

THROW THE HEAT UP AND COOK THAT SHIT AS IF YOU’RE SCRAMBLING EGGS - NOTHING LEFT RAW, MASHED AND TURNED BY THE SPATULA OF DESTRUCTION. 

ONCE THE MEAT IS COOKED, THROW IT INTO THE POT WITH THE HOT VEGGIES. 

LEAVE IT ON HOT FOR ANOTHER 10 MINUTES. STIR FREQUENTLY. 

AFTER TIME HAS PASSED, TURN THE HEAT DOWN TO ‘SIMMER’ OR AS LOW AS YOU CAN GO WITHOUT TURNING IT OFF. 

GIVE IT ONE LAST STIR AND LEAVE IT THERE FOR A HALF HOUR. 

AT THAT POINT, IT SHOULD BE DONE, AND DELICIOUSLY EDIBLE. 

YOU CAN EAT YOUR FILL, THEN LET IT COOL IN THE POT BEFORE STORING THE REST IN THE FRIDGE TO TEMPT YOUR CAPTAIN OF FREEDOM SOME OTHER DAY. 

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DON’T FORGET TO STICK YOUR CELERY BASE AND GREEN ONION BOTTOMS IN SOME WATER TO HARVEST LATER. 

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THEY’LL START TO TASTE WATERY AFTER THE SECOND HARVEST, UNLESS YOU ACTUALLY FEED THEM - PLANTS CANNOT LIVE ON WATER ALONE. LIQUID FERTILIZER EXIST, OR YOU CAN PLANT THEM IN DIRT. 

VEGETARIANS/VEGANS - YES, YOU CAN LEAVE THE MEAT AND BUTTER OUT. YOU WILL NEED TO ADD MORE SPICES/HERBS TO MAKE IT FLAVORFUL. 

apricockjam:

it’s a diy sALAD BUILDER IM SO HAPPY

mandyqueenofsquats:

roflandtroll:

littlewhitely:

*salivates profusely* 

*Very, very heavy breathing* 

Imma do dis.

kaciart:

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foxesforsale replied to your post: Made some broccoli soup when I got home

do you have a good recipe for it? would you mind sharing? :D i love broc soup but every recipe i’ve tried so far as been less than stellar ;(

To forewarn - this is not the healthiest of broccoli soups (which is probably why it tastes so good)

Recipe under the cut

Read More

Super cute cactus cupcakes by Alana Jones-Mann 

fuckingrecipes:

IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT SOME ASSHOLES DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE FUCKING CRACK BEANS!
THAT SHIT’S A CRYING SHAME, BECAUSE CRACK BEANS ARE NAMED FOR A GOOD GODDAMN REASON! ONCE YOU TRY A BITE, YOU CAN’T SET THAT SHIT DOWN ‘TILL IT’S GONE, AND THEN YOU GO INTO WITHDRAWAL AND HIDE IN A CLOSET WITH A KNIFE TO YOUR PILLOW’S METAPHORICAL THROAT!
YOU READY TO RISK THAT SHIT?
WELL RIP OPEN YOUR SHIRT AND SCREAM AT THE HEAVENS BECAUSE THIS BULLSHIT NEEDS TO HAPPEN CORRECTLY!
GATHER UP YOUR INGREDIENTS LIKE THE WAR-HERO YOU ARE!
YOU’LL NEED GREEN BEANS, BLACK PEPPER, APPLE CIDER VINEGAR, A WHITE ONION, BACON
TAKE TWO GIANT HANDFULS OF GREEN BEANS, PICKED FRESH BY THE ELVES OF RIVENDALE. NONE OF THAT CANNED SHIT, YOU CAN TOSS THAT RIGHT IN THE NEAREST VOLCANO!
SHOVE THAT DELICIOUS SHIT IN THE POT YOU’D OTHERWISE USE FOR COOKING SMALL CHILDREN IN, ALONG WITH ENOUGH WATER TO SUBMERGE IT! COVER THAT LOVELY SHIT AND SET IT ON MEDIUM HEAT. YOU WANT THE WATER TO BOIL.
SING UNTIL THE EARTH ITSELF SPITS UP AN ONION FOR YOUR CONSUMPTION. THANK GAIA POLITELY AND CHOP THE SHIT OUT OF HALF OF  IT!

USE THE FLESH OF THE PIG YOU LAST SLAUGHTERED TO APPEASE YOUR BLOOD-THIRSTY GODS TO HARVEST SOME DELICIOUS BACON. ABOUT A CUP OF THAT GORGEOUS MEAT. 
YOU’LL ALSO NEED SOME APPLE CIDER VINEGAR! RICE OR WHITE VINEGAR WILL NOT FUCKING WORK! BALSAMIC VINEGAR MIGHT, BUT I’VE NEVER TRIED. 
NOW GET OUT THE BIGGEST FUCKING COOKING DEVICE THAT WILL FIT ATOP THE STOVE AND TURN UP THE HEAT!
TURN THAT HEAT UP UNTIL YOU START HAVING FLASHBACKS TO WHEN YOU WERE CHAINED UP IN HELL AND ONLY THE RADIANT AURA OF A HOMOSEXUAL ANGEL COULD SAVE YOU! 
NOW FLING THAT BACON ON THERE AND WATCH OUT FOR THOSE FUCKING FAT-SPITS. IT’S WHEN THE BACON SCREAMS IN AGONY AND FLINGS BITS OF ITS SEARING FLESH AND BLOOD AT YOUR SKIN IN AN ATTEMPT AT RETRIBUTION!

WHEN THE GREASE IS SIZZLING ALL LIQUID GORGEOUS, TOSS YOUR ONION IN THERE, AND KEEP STIRRING, YOU CLASSY MOTHERFUCKER! 
SEE THAT BEAUTIFUL HARMONY GOING ON? FUCKING AMAZING!

WHEN THE SUGAR INSIDE THE ONIONS STARTS TO MELT, YOU KNOW SHIT’S GOING DOWN! THE ONIONS TURN CLEAR AND A BIT BROWNISH AND THAT’S CALLED ‘CARMELIZATION’ 
MOTHER OF GOD, IT’S LIKE THE LITTLE SHIT THAT COULD MAKE YOU WEEP LIKE A CHILD IS ACTUALLY A CANDY AT HEART! WHAT THE FUCK!?
NOW TURN YOUR FOOD-SMELL-ADDLED BRAINS BACK TO THE BEANS, BECAUSE THEY SHOULD BE TURNING A RICH, DARK GREEN AT THIS POINT. 
LIKE YOU THOUGHT GREEN BEANS WERE GREEN BEFORE, BUT AFTER SITTING IN SOME BOILING WATER, THEY TURN THIS RICH-ASS GREEN LIKE THEY MAY AS WELL BE FUCKING YOUR EYES WITH THE BEAUTY OF THEIR COLOR.
TAKE THOSE FUCKERS OFF THE STOVE AND DRAIN THEM!

WHEN YOU SEE THE ONIONS TURNING CLEAR, TOSS THE COOKED GREEN BEANS IN THERE, AND SCREAM YOUR DEATH METAL RENDITION OF “MISTY MOUNTAINS” AT IT UNTIL IT WRITHES AROUND AT THE SHEER MAGNIFICENCE AND STIRS ITSELF. 
TAKE THAT 1/2 CUP OF VINEGAR YOU HAD WAITING PATIENTLY AND  KISS IT SOUNDLY ACROSS THE LIPS, WHISPER SWEET SECRETS INTO ITS EARS AND THEN POUR IT SEDUCTIVELY ALL OVER THE BEANS~
WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, PUNCH SOME BLACK PEPPER AND SPRINKLE ABOUT 1 TEASPOON OF IT ALL OVER. IF YOU END UP BATHING IN THE SHARDS OF ITS SOUL, THAT’S FINE TOO!
KEEP STIRRING FOR ANOTHER 2 MINUTES OR SO, LET THAT GORGEOUS LIQUID SOAK IN, THEN SERVE YOURSELF SOME DELICIOUS BEANS!

BUT WAIT! YOU COULD SAY, ACTING CONFUSED AS A SCORPION IN A DISHWASHER.. I THOUGHT WE WERE MAKING CRACK BEANS!
WELL LISTEN UP, YOU CLEVER FUCK! LIKE CHILI AND SANGRIA, THIS SHIT DOESN’T REACH PEAK ‘AWESOME’ UNTIL AFTER A DAY IN THE FRIDGE, WALLOWING IN ITS OWN GODDAMN PERFECTION. 
SO EAT A HELPING OF THE DELICIOUS-AS-HOLY-JESUS-FUCK BEANS, AND SAVE THE LEFTOVERS FOR TOMORROW, WHEN YOU CAN MICROWAVE THEM AND FIND THE TRUE MAJESTY OF 'CRACK BEANS'
(VEGAN MOTHERFUCKERS CAN USE THEIR WEIRD FAKE-BACON IT TASTES FINE IN THIS)

fuckingrecipes:

IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT SOME ASSHOLES DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE FUCKING CRACK BEANS!

THAT SHIT’S A CRYING SHAME, BECAUSE CRACK BEANS ARE NAMED FOR A GOOD GODDAMN REASON! ONCE YOU TRY A BITE, YOU CAN’T SET THAT SHIT DOWN ‘TILL IT’S GONE, AND THEN YOU GO INTO WITHDRAWAL AND HIDE IN A CLOSET WITH A KNIFE TO YOUR PILLOW’S METAPHORICAL THROAT!

YOU READY TO RISK THAT SHIT?

WELL RIP OPEN YOUR SHIRT AND SCREAM AT THE HEAVENS BECAUSE THIS BULLSHIT NEEDS TO HAPPEN CORRECTLY!

GATHER UP YOUR INGREDIENTS LIKE THE WAR-HERO YOU ARE!

YOU’LL NEED GREEN BEANS, BLACK PEPPER, APPLE CIDER VINEGAR, A WHITE ONION, BACON

TAKE TWO GIANT HANDFULS OF GREEN BEANS, PICKED FRESH BY THE ELVES OF RIVENDALE. NONE OF THAT CANNED SHIT, YOU CAN TOSS THAT RIGHT IN THE NEAREST VOLCANO!

SHOVE THAT DELICIOUS SHIT IN THE POT YOU’D OTHERWISE USE FOR COOKING SMALL CHILDREN IN, ALONG WITH ENOUGH WATER TO SUBMERGE IT! COVER THAT LOVELY SHIT AND SET IT ON MEDIUM HEAT. YOU WANT THE WATER TO BOIL.

SING UNTIL THE EARTH ITSELF SPITS UP AN ONION FOR YOUR CONSUMPTION. THANK GAIA POLITELY AND CHOP THE SHIT OUT OF HALF OF  IT!

image

USE THE FLESH OF THE PIG YOU LAST SLAUGHTERED TO APPEASE YOUR BLOOD-THIRSTY GODS TO HARVEST SOME DELICIOUS BACON. ABOUT A CUP OF THAT GORGEOUS MEAT. 

YOU’LL ALSO NEED SOME APPLE CIDER VINEGAR! RICE OR WHITE VINEGAR WILL NOT FUCKING WORK! BALSAMIC VINEGAR MIGHT, BUT I’VE NEVER TRIED. 

NOW GET OUT THE BIGGEST FUCKING COOKING DEVICE THAT WILL FIT ATOP THE STOVE AND TURN UP THE HEAT!

TURN THAT HEAT UP UNTIL YOU START HAVING FLASHBACKS TO WHEN YOU WERE CHAINED UP IN HELL AND ONLY THE RADIANT AURA OF A HOMOSEXUAL ANGEL COULD SAVE YOU! 

NOW FLING THAT BACON ON THERE AND WATCH OUT FOR THOSE FUCKING FAT-SPITS. IT’S WHEN THE BACON SCREAMS IN AGONY AND FLINGS BITS OF ITS SEARING FLESH AND BLOOD AT YOUR SKIN IN AN ATTEMPT AT RETRIBUTION!

image

WHEN THE GREASE IS SIZZLING ALL LIQUID GORGEOUS, TOSS YOUR ONION IN THERE, AND KEEP STIRRING, YOU CLASSY MOTHERFUCKER! 

SEE THAT BEAUTIFUL HARMONY GOING ON? FUCKING AMAZING!

image

WHEN THE SUGAR INSIDE THE ONIONS STARTS TO MELT, YOU KNOW SHIT’S GOING DOWN! THE ONIONS TURN CLEAR AND A BIT BROWNISH AND THAT’S CALLED ‘CARMELIZATION’ 

MOTHER OF GOD, IT’S LIKE THE LITTLE SHIT THAT COULD MAKE YOU WEEP LIKE A CHILD IS ACTUALLY A CANDY AT HEART! WHAT THE FUCK!?

NOW TURN YOUR FOOD-SMELL-ADDLED BRAINS BACK TO THE BEANS, BECAUSE THEY SHOULD BE TURNING A RICH, DARK GREEN AT THIS POINT. 

LIKE YOU THOUGHT GREEN BEANS WERE GREEN BEFORE, BUT AFTER SITTING IN SOME BOILING WATER, THEY TURN THIS RICH-ASS GREEN LIKE THEY MAY AS WELL BE FUCKING YOUR EYES WITH THE BEAUTY OF THEIR COLOR.

TAKE THOSE FUCKERS OFF THE STOVE AND DRAIN THEM!

image

WHEN YOU SEE THE ONIONS TURNING CLEAR, TOSS THE COOKED GREEN BEANS IN THERE, AND SCREAM YOUR DEATH METAL RENDITION OF “MISTY MOUNTAINS” AT IT UNTIL IT WRITHES AROUND AT THE SHEER MAGNIFICENCE AND STIRS ITSELF. 

TAKE THAT 1/2 CUP OF VINEGAR YOU HAD WAITING PATIENTLY AND  KISS IT SOUNDLY ACROSS THE LIPS, WHISPER SWEET SECRETS INTO ITS EARS AND THEN POUR IT SEDUCTIVELY ALL OVER THE BEANS~

WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, PUNCH SOME BLACK PEPPER AND SPRINKLE ABOUT 1 TEASPOON OF IT ALL OVER. IF YOU END UP BATHING IN THE SHARDS OF ITS SOUL, THAT’S FINE TOO!

KEEP STIRRING FOR ANOTHER 2 MINUTES OR SO, LET THAT GORGEOUS LIQUID SOAK IN, THEN SERVE YOURSELF SOME DELICIOUS BEANS!

image

BUT WAIT! YOU COULD SAY, ACTING CONFUSED AS A SCORPION IN A DISHWASHER.. I THOUGHT WE WERE MAKING CRACK BEANS!

WELL LISTEN UP, YOU CLEVER FUCK! LIKE CHILI AND SANGRIA, THIS SHIT DOESN’T REACH PEAK ‘AWESOME’ UNTIL AFTER A DAY IN THE FRIDGE, WALLOWING IN ITS OWN GODDAMN PERFECTION. 

SO EAT A HELPING OF THE DELICIOUS-AS-HOLY-JESUS-FUCK BEANS, AND SAVE THE LEFTOVERS FOR TOMORROW, WHEN YOU CAN MICROWAVE THEM AND FIND THE TRUE MAJESTY OF 'CRACK BEANS'


(VEGAN MOTHERFUCKERS CAN USE THEIR WEIRD FAKE-BACON IT TASTES FINE IN THIS)

dduane:

petermorwood:

iammissanna:

cpropht:

wherewilltheducksgo:

im poor ill try it

ooohhh i have to try this

This looks fun. ^_^ but don’t bother with that colby jack nonsense, you need mozzarella. Can’t buy nice expensive mozzarella? Don’t fret, string cheese is made from mozzarella. Just buy some string cheese. :D

And obviously you can change up the fillings however you want.

I bet you could slather a little marinara/pizza/pasta sauce into the dough before you do the rest, too. :3

I can’t tell if the dough is actual pizza dough, or pie dough. But both should be available pre-made at stores.

And for the top seasonings, some salt obviously, maybe some pepper, maybe some red pepper flakes if you’re feeling gutsy, and then dried oregano or “Italian Herbs” which you can usually get premixed at the grocery store pretty easily.

And don’t forget to slather the tops with a little milk and/or beaten egg to make the seasonings stick and make the color gorgeous.

Just last night I found a tub of D’s homemade 000-flour pizza dough tucked away at the back of the freezer. It freezes well, but this has been there for too long to make a “proper pizza” (How long? Since the Middle Pleistocene, I suspect. We have a very big freezer.) But this looks like something to try, so try we will!

Cry Bake it! and let slip the noms of more!

@petermorwood You were really feeling cheerful after you finished That Thing last night, weren’t you, Mr. Husband. :)