fuckingrecipes:

IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT SOME ASSHOLES DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE FUCKING CRACK BEANS!
THAT SHIT’S A CRYING SHAME, BECAUSE CRACK BEANS ARE NAMED FOR A GOOD GODDAMN REASON! ONCE YOU TRY A BITE, YOU CAN’T SET THAT SHIT DOWN ‘TILL IT’S GONE, AND THEN YOU GO INTO WITHDRAWAL AND HIDE IN A CLOSET WITH A KNIFE TO YOUR PILLOW’S METAPHORICAL THROAT!
YOU READY TO RISK THAT SHIT?
WELL RIP OPEN YOUR SHIRT AND SCREAM AT THE HEAVENS BECAUSE THIS BULLSHIT NEEDS TO HAPPEN CORRECTLY!
GATHER UP YOUR INGREDIENTS LIKE THE WAR-HERO YOU ARE!
YOU’LL NEED GREEN BEANS, BLACK PEPPER, APPLE CIDER VINEGAR, A WHITE ONION, BACON
TAKE TWO GIANT HANDFULS OF GREEN BEANS, PICKED FRESH BY THE ELVES OF RIVENDALE. NONE OF THAT CANNED SHIT, YOU CAN TOSS THAT RIGHT IN THE NEAREST VOLCANO!
SHOVE THAT DELICIOUS SHIT IN THE POT YOU’D OTHERWISE USE FOR COOKING SMALL CHILDREN IN, ALONG WITH ENOUGH WATER TO SUBMERGE IT! COVER THAT LOVELY SHIT AND SET IT ON MEDIUM HEAT. YOU WANT THE WATER TO BOIL.
SING UNTIL THE EARTH ITSELF SPITS UP AN ONION FOR YOUR CONSUMPTION. THANK GAIA POLITELY AND CHOP THE SHIT OUT OF HALF OF  IT!

USE THE FLESH OF THE PIG YOU LAST SLAUGHTERED TO APPEASE YOUR BLOOD-THIRSTY GODS TO HARVEST SOME DELICIOUS BACON. ABOUT A CUP OF THAT GORGEOUS MEAT. 
YOU’LL ALSO NEED SOME APPLE CIDER VINEGAR! RICE OR WHITE VINEGAR WILL NOT FUCKING WORK! BALSAMIC VINEGAR MIGHT, BUT I’VE NEVER TRIED. 
NOW GET OUT THE BIGGEST FUCKING COOKING DEVICE THAT WILL FIT ATOP THE STOVE AND TURN UP THE HEAT!
TURN THAT HEAT UP UNTIL YOU START HAVING FLASHBACKS TO WHEN YOU WERE CHAINED UP IN HELL AND ONLY THE RADIANT AURA OF A HOMOSEXUAL ANGEL COULD SAVE YOU! 
NOW FLING THAT BACON ON THERE AND WATCH OUT FOR THOSE FUCKING FAT-SPITS. IT’S WHEN THE BACON SCREAMS IN AGONY AND FLINGS BITS OF ITS SEARING FLESH AND BLOOD AT YOUR SKIN IN AN ATTEMPT AT RETRIBUTION!

WHEN THE GREASE IS SIZZLING ALL LIQUID GORGEOUS, TOSS YOUR ONION IN THERE, AND KEEP STIRRING, YOU CLASSY MOTHERFUCKER! 
SEE THAT BEAUTIFUL HARMONY GOING ON? FUCKING AMAZING!

WHEN THE SUGAR INSIDE THE ONIONS STARTS TO MELT, YOU KNOW SHIT’S GOING DOWN! THE ONIONS TURN CLEAR AND A BIT BROWNISH AND THAT’S CALLED ‘CARMELIZATION’ 
MOTHER OF GOD, IT’S LIKE THE LITTLE SHIT THAT COULD MAKE YOU WEEP LIKE A CHILD IS ACTUALLY A CANDY AT HEART! WHAT THE FUCK!?
NOW TURN YOUR FOOD-SMELL-ADDLED BRAINS BACK TO THE BEANS, BECAUSE THEY SHOULD BE TURNING A RICH, DARK GREEN AT THIS POINT. 
LIKE YOU THOUGHT GREEN BEANS WERE GREEN BEFORE, BUT AFTER SITTING IN SOME BOILING WATER, THEY TURN THIS RICH-ASS GREEN LIKE THEY MAY AS WELL BE FUCKING YOUR EYES WITH THE BEAUTY OF THEIR COLOR.
TAKE THOSE FUCKERS OFF THE STOVE AND DRAIN THEM!

WHEN YOU SEE THE ONIONS TURNING CLEAR, TOSS THE COOKED GREEN BEANS IN THERE, AND SCREAM YOUR DEATH METAL RENDITION OF “MISTY MOUNTAINS” AT IT UNTIL IT WRITHES AROUND AT THE SHEER MAGNIFICENCE AND STIRS ITSELF. 
TAKE THAT 1/2 CUP OF VINEGAR YOU HAD WAITING PATIENTLY AND  KISS IT SOUNDLY ACROSS THE LIPS, WHISPER SWEET SECRETS INTO ITS EARS AND THEN POUR IT SEDUCTIVELY ALL OVER THE BEANS~
WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, PUNCH SOME BLACK PEPPER AND SPRINKLE ABOUT 1 TEASPOON OF IT ALL OVER. IF YOU END UP BATHING IN THE SHARDS OF ITS SOUL, THAT’S FINE TOO!
KEEP STIRRING FOR ANOTHER 2 MINUTES OR SO, LET THAT GORGEOUS LIQUID SOAK IN, THEN SERVE YOURSELF SOME DELICIOUS BEANS!

BUT WAIT! YOU COULD SAY, ACTING CONFUSED AS A SCORPION IN A DISHWASHER.. I THOUGHT WE WERE MAKING CRACK BEANS!
WELL LISTEN UP, YOU CLEVER FUCK! LIKE CHILI AND SANGRIA, THIS SHIT DOESN’T REACH PEAK ‘AWESOME’ UNTIL AFTER A DAY IN THE FRIDGE, WALLOWING IN ITS OWN GODDAMN PERFECTION. 
SO EAT A HELPING OF THE DELICIOUS-AS-HOLY-JESUS-FUCK BEANS, AND SAVE THE LEFTOVERS FOR TOMORROW, WHEN YOU CAN MICROWAVE THEM AND FIND THE TRUE MAJESTY OF 'CRACK BEANS'
(VEGAN MOTHERFUCKERS CAN USE THEIR WEIRD FAKE-BACON IT TASTES FINE IN THIS)

fuckingrecipes:

IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT SOME ASSHOLES DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE FUCKING CRACK BEANS!

THAT SHIT’S A CRYING SHAME, BECAUSE CRACK BEANS ARE NAMED FOR A GOOD GODDAMN REASON! ONCE YOU TRY A BITE, YOU CAN’T SET THAT SHIT DOWN ‘TILL IT’S GONE, AND THEN YOU GO INTO WITHDRAWAL AND HIDE IN A CLOSET WITH A KNIFE TO YOUR PILLOW’S METAPHORICAL THROAT!

YOU READY TO RISK THAT SHIT?

WELL RIP OPEN YOUR SHIRT AND SCREAM AT THE HEAVENS BECAUSE THIS BULLSHIT NEEDS TO HAPPEN CORRECTLY!

GATHER UP YOUR INGREDIENTS LIKE THE WAR-HERO YOU ARE!

YOU’LL NEED GREEN BEANS, BLACK PEPPER, APPLE CIDER VINEGAR, A WHITE ONION, BACON

TAKE TWO GIANT HANDFULS OF GREEN BEANS, PICKED FRESH BY THE ELVES OF RIVENDALE. NONE OF THAT CANNED SHIT, YOU CAN TOSS THAT RIGHT IN THE NEAREST VOLCANO!

SHOVE THAT DELICIOUS SHIT IN THE POT YOU’D OTHERWISE USE FOR COOKING SMALL CHILDREN IN, ALONG WITH ENOUGH WATER TO SUBMERGE IT! COVER THAT LOVELY SHIT AND SET IT ON MEDIUM HEAT. YOU WANT THE WATER TO BOIL.

SING UNTIL THE EARTH ITSELF SPITS UP AN ONION FOR YOUR CONSUMPTION. THANK GAIA POLITELY AND CHOP THE SHIT OUT OF HALF OF  IT!

image

USE THE FLESH OF THE PIG YOU LAST SLAUGHTERED TO APPEASE YOUR BLOOD-THIRSTY GODS TO HARVEST SOME DELICIOUS BACON. ABOUT A CUP OF THAT GORGEOUS MEAT. 

YOU’LL ALSO NEED SOME APPLE CIDER VINEGAR! RICE OR WHITE VINEGAR WILL NOT FUCKING WORK! BALSAMIC VINEGAR MIGHT, BUT I’VE NEVER TRIED. 

NOW GET OUT THE BIGGEST FUCKING COOKING DEVICE THAT WILL FIT ATOP THE STOVE AND TURN UP THE HEAT!

TURN THAT HEAT UP UNTIL YOU START HAVING FLASHBACKS TO WHEN YOU WERE CHAINED UP IN HELL AND ONLY THE RADIANT AURA OF A HOMOSEXUAL ANGEL COULD SAVE YOU! 

NOW FLING THAT BACON ON THERE AND WATCH OUT FOR THOSE FUCKING FAT-SPITS. IT’S WHEN THE BACON SCREAMS IN AGONY AND FLINGS BITS OF ITS SEARING FLESH AND BLOOD AT YOUR SKIN IN AN ATTEMPT AT RETRIBUTION!

image

WHEN THE GREASE IS SIZZLING ALL LIQUID GORGEOUS, TOSS YOUR ONION IN THERE, AND KEEP STIRRING, YOU CLASSY MOTHERFUCKER! 

SEE THAT BEAUTIFUL HARMONY GOING ON? FUCKING AMAZING!

image

WHEN THE SUGAR INSIDE THE ONIONS STARTS TO MELT, YOU KNOW SHIT’S GOING DOWN! THE ONIONS TURN CLEAR AND A BIT BROWNISH AND THAT’S CALLED ‘CARMELIZATION’ 

MOTHER OF GOD, IT’S LIKE THE LITTLE SHIT THAT COULD MAKE YOU WEEP LIKE A CHILD IS ACTUALLY A CANDY AT HEART! WHAT THE FUCK!?

NOW TURN YOUR FOOD-SMELL-ADDLED BRAINS BACK TO THE BEANS, BECAUSE THEY SHOULD BE TURNING A RICH, DARK GREEN AT THIS POINT. 

LIKE YOU THOUGHT GREEN BEANS WERE GREEN BEFORE, BUT AFTER SITTING IN SOME BOILING WATER, THEY TURN THIS RICH-ASS GREEN LIKE THEY MAY AS WELL BE FUCKING YOUR EYES WITH THE BEAUTY OF THEIR COLOR.

TAKE THOSE FUCKERS OFF THE STOVE AND DRAIN THEM!

image

WHEN YOU SEE THE ONIONS TURNING CLEAR, TOSS THE COOKED GREEN BEANS IN THERE, AND SCREAM YOUR DEATH METAL RENDITION OF “MISTY MOUNTAINS” AT IT UNTIL IT WRITHES AROUND AT THE SHEER MAGNIFICENCE AND STIRS ITSELF. 

TAKE THAT 1/2 CUP OF VINEGAR YOU HAD WAITING PATIENTLY AND  KISS IT SOUNDLY ACROSS THE LIPS, WHISPER SWEET SECRETS INTO ITS EARS AND THEN POUR IT SEDUCTIVELY ALL OVER THE BEANS~

WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, PUNCH SOME BLACK PEPPER AND SPRINKLE ABOUT 1 TEASPOON OF IT ALL OVER. IF YOU END UP BATHING IN THE SHARDS OF ITS SOUL, THAT’S FINE TOO!

KEEP STIRRING FOR ANOTHER 2 MINUTES OR SO, LET THAT GORGEOUS LIQUID SOAK IN, THEN SERVE YOURSELF SOME DELICIOUS BEANS!

image

BUT WAIT! YOU COULD SAY, ACTING CONFUSED AS A SCORPION IN A DISHWASHER.. I THOUGHT WE WERE MAKING CRACK BEANS!

WELL LISTEN UP, YOU CLEVER FUCK! LIKE CHILI AND SANGRIA, THIS SHIT DOESN’T REACH PEAK ‘AWESOME’ UNTIL AFTER A DAY IN THE FRIDGE, WALLOWING IN ITS OWN GODDAMN PERFECTION. 

SO EAT A HELPING OF THE DELICIOUS-AS-HOLY-JESUS-FUCK BEANS, AND SAVE THE LEFTOVERS FOR TOMORROW, WHEN YOU CAN MICROWAVE THEM AND FIND THE TRUE MAJESTY OF 'CRACK BEANS'


(VEGAN MOTHERFUCKERS CAN USE THEIR WEIRD FAKE-BACON IT TASTES FINE IN THIS)

dduane:

petermorwood:

iammissanna:

cpropht:

wherewilltheducksgo:

im poor ill try it

ooohhh i have to try this

This looks fun. ^_^ but don’t bother with that colby jack nonsense, you need mozzarella. Can’t buy nice expensive mozzarella? Don’t fret, string cheese is made from mozzarella. Just buy some string cheese. :D

And obviously you can change up the fillings however you want.

I bet you could slather a little marinara/pizza/pasta sauce into the dough before you do the rest, too. :3

I can’t tell if the dough is actual pizza dough, or pie dough. But both should be available pre-made at stores.

And for the top seasonings, some salt obviously, maybe some pepper, maybe some red pepper flakes if you’re feeling gutsy, and then dried oregano or “Italian Herbs” which you can usually get premixed at the grocery store pretty easily.

And don’t forget to slather the tops with a little milk and/or beaten egg to make the seasonings stick and make the color gorgeous.

Just last night I found a tub of D’s homemade 000-flour pizza dough tucked away at the back of the freezer. It freezes well, but this has been there for too long to make a “proper pizza” (How long? Since the Middle Pleistocene, I suspect. We have a very big freezer.) But this looks like something to try, so try we will!

Cry Bake it! and let slip the noms of more!

@petermorwood You were really feeling cheerful after you finished That Thing last night, weren’t you, Mr. Husband. :)

couple-a-hundred-of-em:

As a college student, currently really hungry with nothing to eat, I understand how hard it can be to get food. Sometimes you really just don’t have the money to eat and when you do, you waste it all on fast food instead of stocking up on cheap things because you’re so tired of Ramen Noodes and canned food you could barf. So, I’ve composed a list of recipes and resources that will fit a college kid’s budget and appetite. Don’t go hungry! <3
Ramen Noodle Recipes:
Ramen Noodle Stir Fry
Sirloin-Snap Pea Stir Fry
Chicken Noodle Soup
Chili Cheese Ramen
Egg Drop Ramen
Spinach and Ramen
Ramen Spaghetti
Ramen Alfredo
Cheesy Ramen Noodles
Mug Meals:
Cheesy Eggs Mug
Cheese and Broccoli Mug
Mac and Cheese in a Mug
Meatloaf in a Mug
Nutella Mug Cake
Cheesecake Mug
Coffee Cup Quiche
Coffee Cup Chilaquiles
Mug Egg Scramble
Microwave Recipes:
Potato Chips
Corn on the cob
Scalloped Potatoes
White Rice
Fried Rice
Baked Potato
Chicken Casserole 
Garlic Chicken
Chicken Soup Casserole
Caramelized Onion Baked Potato
Soft Chicken Tacos
Pancakes
Recipe Generators
My Fridge Food
Fire House Chef
Dinner in 15 Minutes
Advanced recipe Generator
Cuisine
Recipe Matcher
Super Cook
Recipe Puppy
Cook Thing
Recipes by Ingredient
Recipe Key
Not Beans Again
Ideas 4 Recipes
Big Oven
Other Resources
Actual College Student Cookbook
Restaurant Coupons [1] [2] [3] [4]
Free Birthday food [1] [2] 

couple-a-hundred-of-em:

As a college student, currently really hungry with nothing to eat, I understand how hard it can be to get food. Sometimes you really just don’t have the money to eat and when you do, you waste it all on fast food instead of stocking up on cheap things because you’re so tired of Ramen Noodes and canned food you could barf. So, I’ve composed a list of recipes and resources that will fit a college kid’s budget and appetite. Don’t go hungry! <3

Ramen Noodle Recipes:

Mug Meals:

Microwave Recipes:

Recipe Generators

Other Resources

A message from Anonymous
I OVER SALTED MY FUCKING SOUP! HOW CAN I TELL THAT SALT TO CALM THE FUCK DOWN?
A reply from fuckingrecipes

IF YOUR CLUMSY ASS OVER-SALTED IT LIKE ‘HOLY SHIT I COULD LINE MY DOOR WITH THIS BULLSHIT AND KEEP OUT GHOSTS’ THEN YOU’RE SHIT OUTTA LUCK, MAN!

BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY CHUCKING A PEELED RAW POTATO, CHOPPED INTO FOUR FUCKING CHUNKS (4 IS A MAGIC MOTHERFUCKING NUMBER!) AND LEAVE IT IN THAT BULLSHIT FOR 15 MINUTES BEFORE REMOVING THAT ASSHOLE!

GOOD LUCK!

buzzfeedfood:

Forget dogs; spaghetti is truly man’s best friend. Here are 19 easy ways to make it.

crotchkat-vantag:

thecakebar:

French Toast Rollups Tutorial {click link for full tutorial}

Guys I tried this recipe and its great 

wholockedj:

rurone:

zorobro:

Deep-Dish Chocolate Chip Cookie for One

 Ingredients (1 serving):

  • 1 Tbsp unsalted butter, at room temperature
  • 1/2 Tbsp unrefined granulated sugar, such as evaporated cane juice
  • 1/2 Tbsp packed light brown sugar
  • 1 Tbsp beaten egg, preferably organic (cover & chill remaining beaten egg for tomorrow’s cookie cup… you will be making another one!)
  • tiny splash pure vanilla extract
  • 2 1/2 Tbsp whole wheat pastry flour (can substitute with 3:1 of cake flour and all purpose flour)
  • 1/8 tsp baking soda
  • tiny pinch salt
  • heaping 1 Tbsp grain-sweetened chocolate chips, such as Sunspire

Instructions

In a small ramekin or microwavable cup, combine softened butter and both sugars; stir well with a spoon. Stir in beaten egg and vanilla extract. Stir in flour, baking soda, and salt just until combined. Stir in chocolate chips.

Microwave on high for 35-40 seconds. Let cookie rest at room temperature for about 10 seconds before devouring.

Nutritional Information:

253.2 calories, 13.8 grams fat, 8.4 grams saturated fat, 2.9 grams fiber, 17.5 grams sugars, 2.4 grams protein

image

If I don’t reblog this, I will regret losing the recipe.

THIS IS THE BEST RECIPE WOW I MAKE IT ALL THE TIME 10/10 WOULD MAKE